Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted on here. I’ve seen more things…experienced more things. I have a story to tell, and it may take a few blog posts to tell it all. But let me tell you how I learned to stop waiting and start living.By this I mean: stop always waiting for something to happen and start living your life to the hilt wherever you are in your journey right now.
I had gotten into a sort of short-term relationship in March of this year, and ended it a few months later at the end of June. When I was in the midst of this relationship, I thought “Finally! I have a relationship! My life makes sense now.” And I was happy and satisfied for a minute. I ultimately ended up ending the relationship because I finally saw that we were in two different places in our lives (and he started a lot of useless drama just because he could). Him: an immature young gamer who barely graduated high school and had no goals or dreams for his life and didn’t share my spiritual beliefs or values. Me: a master’s level career woman with goals and dreams who always wants to grow spiritually and live an authentic life. Don’t ask me how this relationship happened, because I’m still not 100% sure. That’s another blog post for another day.
But anyway, I ended the relationship. And it was only through the ending of this relationship that I was finally able to see my ultimate problem: my whole life I had been so concerned about finding a man and having a relationship that it kept me from fully living, because I always thought that my real life would start once I found my “true love.” This guy I broke up with definitely wasn’t my true love, but it still made me see that I put so much stock in having a relationship that I ignored all of these signs that he was wrong for me, just so that I could “finally have a boyfriend” and “really live.” I finally saw that I had put myself on hold (emotionally and other ways) all these years just because I didn’t have a husband or a steady boyfriend. I was always waiting: for something to happen, for my life to start, for the next step, whatever it was. I was hardly ever present in the moment (and therefore hardly ever really living) because my mind was always running the background noise of “Where is he at? When am I going to find him? Is he this cute guy over here?” I pushed myself to the side, my relationship with God to the side, everything, just so I would not be alone and would be able to “start living.”
So because of all this, I’ve decided that I’m done waiting. I want to really start living, without all that background noise of finding a man playing in my head. I want to just live in the moment, focus on me and my fulfillment, focus on my relationship with God, and focus on my work and the tasks that God has given me to do. I want to really live and be here for all of it. I want to savor new experiences and even old ones with my focus just on being and savoring. I don’t want my life to be defined on whether I’m in a relationship or not. I am more than that and I’m worth a whole bunch all on my own. My life is not defined by having a man in it. I was given this life for a reason, now it’s time to make the most of it.